Yes, its probably warm and white.

It's warm and white.

Death is a business, which, when realized, effects one in manners not always comprehensible. 2006-2007 were years of distress with loss of five close family members one after the other. Like in everything else, realization of it is so different from knowledge of death.

In 2007 though frequent panic-attacks* (detailed ahead at the end of this article for those who are interested to learn about it) were being battled with, yet sleep came usually & effortlessly. Neither was there anything notable about this indistinct night, nor anything preceding it, nor was alcohol or any other intoxicant consumed. Nothing remarkable is remembered before this event, which is the subject of this narration that transpired in sleep.

At some point of time preceding 0300hours or so (estimated) ‘the dream’ commenced. Manifestly etched in memory; it seems an occurrence yesterday, fresh and clear. Notwithstanding, eleven years that have flowed thence.

‘The dream’ commenced with bedding being readied, by laying a common 50 kg jute bag of standard one metre length on the coal-tar road, right next to the footpath, with the jute bag’s length radiating perpendicularly off the paved footpath's one foot high embankment that curved just couple of metres ahead of the jute-bedding spot, as it approached the corner of the crossroad in Delhi, distinctly recognized as Kingsway Camp Square. It was very early morning as the population was scant and there was no eye-straining sunlight. Behind, on the other side of the footpath was a corner sweets shop (an analogue of a chocolatier in Europe). On the immediately closer side of the footpath, just behind the jute bedding was a large five feet tall, plump red-post-box standing on the footpath embankment. Having laid the jute bag, the next instant found own body lying on it with head resting towards the pavement and legs pointing to the middle of the road, as it was watched from few feet away.

Few moments of watching oneself lying were followed by being inside oneself. After a few, countable moments of being inside one’s body that was lying on jute bag the people and things of the busy crossroad of Delhi had disappeared like an extinguished spark. Once inside, it was felt – ‘usual’ and 'awake', though in a dream.

Some time of habitation in own ‘dreamt’ body were followed by a sleep that was experienced in that body (the one on the roadside, in dream). Strangely though, & difficult to perceive, sleep was actually experienced in a dreamt sleeping body!

Not much sleep had occurred in the dreamt body lying on a jute bag, when a new dream commenced - a dream of a dream.

As soon as the dream-in-dream started, there was whiteness - soothingly incandescent white light everywhere. Nothing else was visible other than ubiquitous warm white light. The duration of being inside the white light of a dream in a dream is not recollected. The light was so unknowingly good that bliss got distinguished from happiness, thereafter. Being in this warm light was highly calming and peaceful. The feeling was incomparable with anything, before or after. Through the duration of being there in the warm whiteness for a palpable duration, there was not a sliver of scare or fright. Awareness of self & the soothing warm light were the only two things that were felt or known throughout.

Gradually, though enchanted by warm whiteness, while being completely aware of self; wondered to self aloud in mind, "Why here, in this state? Is this state permanent or one which can be exited?” It is important to know that in that whiteness there was no realization of what ‘getting out’ meant because everything besides self and the whiteness was oblivion. Hence, a slim feeling of being trapped, without the scare associated with it. So getting out should essentially be interpreted as ending the session of being in whiteness, while having no information then, about what lies out of it.

Immediately, thereafter first trial was made to get out of the state of being in warm, heavenly, blissful whiteness. Exit didn’t happen.

While there was no fright at all, while being inside the whiteness, which remained excellent & positive all throughout, yet there was a persistent self-realization that the state has to be exited. Couple of failed attempts to exit, were followed by another thought - "what if this heavenly warm whiteness is a trap forever?"

It is once again pertinent to mention that no panic was generated from failed attempts to get out. Ultimately, on 5th or may be 7th trial, the exit happened. The body lying on jute bag, next to the pavement on the Road could be seen from a few feet away. There was a relief of having exited the dream-in-dream. Within next few moments, exit happened from the first, primary dream as well. Eyes opened wide in an instant (as though the now-awake state was just a continuation of the semi-conscious experience), while the back of the body effortless raised itself to sit on the bed in the next half second, as though sleep had never happened at all. Immediately thereafter, the wrist was held tightly within the fingers to measure pulse, while seconds arm on the clock hung on the opposite wall was tracked (because of frequent panic attacks* expertise had developed at measuring pulse which was often done to check onslaught of tachycardia). Took the first half minute reading. The heart beat feebly for only 14 times in the first half minute. Not believing, next full minute reading was taken. It was ~40. After another 2 minutes it was already ~70+ which is norm. It is probable that in the dream the pulse rate must have been much below 28 beats a minute, which was recorded few seconds after getting out of the whiteness and the dream-in-the-dream.

It was only after being awakened to exceptionally low pulse rate did the first signs of worry & scare happen. Puzzled, after 5 minutes the pulse rate was measured again, it clocked 80 beats safely and regularly. Waking up the partner, sleeping next, on the bed seemed unnecessary.

Next day was spent searching internet and enough literature was found on such experiences - all clubbed under "NDE (near death experiences)".

The warm white of no-fear and bliss is crisp in memory till date.

Did the event change life principally? Honestly - No, other than two notable changes (which may or may not be connected with it at all) – (i) panic attacks were cured soon after by reading about them (there was no magic cure, to be specific) and without any medical help; (ii) felt as though scare of death was somewhat reduced. Panic attacks* had impacted so much that dreadful scare while flying had infested the mind after more than one and a half decade of flying & few hundred commercial flights across the world till then. Interestingly till panic attacks started, flying was a thrill & love. Flew even a motorless glider, while taking piloting lessons in boarding school!

The only other distinct thing -

thankfully, never ever experienced that bliss again and that …

yes, it is probably warm and white!

*You may not read about panic attacks (written below) if it doesn’t interest you.

A little about panic attacks for those who might not know about it. Panic attacks have nothing in common with the story above. This information is being shared to let others who suffer from it, and have failed to get a diagnosis, know about it & its cure.

Panic attacks leave people scarred for life. Reason - it is the closest one can get to symptoms of death, without actually dying. Tachycardia, extreme heart sink feeling, extreme shortness of breath, as strong, as though someone is strangling one's neck and body. The condition can persist for few minutes to half hour or so. Draining one completely of life.

The condition is a false alarm that is raised in Amygdala (part of brain) conveying the same to the body & other parts of brain (hypothalamus & hippocampus) a message of emergency having had happened to body. The signal leads to release of hormones into blood that fuel faster heartbeat. When the brain senses emergency, like in case one skids or stumbling a stair or having pushed to fall; amygdala triggers high-intensity brain operations (very high brain power utility) thereby requiring exceptionally large bouts of oxygen (hence the shortness of breath), which can be delivered only by increasing the blood flow rate to brain. This leads to tachycardia (faster heart beat) and loss of breath and sometimes heart sink. When the condition occurs, one is induced into an emergency (though in case of panic attack, it’s a false alarm), which further fuels a chain reaction.

Once discovered, everything about panic attacks was read. Few books, articles, literally everything on which hands could be laid, because the doctors diagnosed nothing but stress and gave anti-anxiety tabs, which seemed unacceptable as the problem seemed physiological not psychological.

Then in one blog, something strange came across - it said, "if you can induce a panic attack yourself – at your will, you will conquer it". Sitting in a train, while reading the blog induction of panic attack was tried. Surprisingly in 5-6 trials of applying an internal pressure by way of exploding chest (as it seemed to mind!), panic attack was induced. Shocked though, that the attack can be induced by oneself, the realization genuinely was curing. Once realized that the condition can be induced, it no more bothered and the chain effect stopped working. In the last few years they never happened and the problem stands cured.