It's warm and white.
Death is a business, which, when
realized, effects one in manners not always comprehensible. 2006-2007 were
years of distress with loss of five close family members one after the other.
Like in everything else, realization of it is so different from knowledge of
death.
In 2007 though frequent
panic-attacks* (detailed ahead at the end of this article for those who are
interested to learn about it) were being battled with, yet sleep came usually
& effortlessly. Neither was there anything notable about this indistinct
night, nor anything preceding it, nor was alcohol or any other intoxicant
consumed. Nothing remarkable is remembered before this event, which is the
subject of this narration that transpired in sleep.
At some point of time preceding
0300hours or so (estimated) ‘the dream’ commenced. Manifestly etched in memory;
it seems an occurrence yesterday, fresh and clear. Notwithstanding, eleven
years that have flowed thence.
‘The dream’ commenced with bedding
being readied, by laying a common 50 kg jute bag of standard one metre length
on the coal-tar road, right next to the footpath, with the jute bag’s length
radiating perpendicularly off the paved footpath's one foot high embankment
that curved just couple of metres ahead of the jute-bedding spot, as it
approached the corner of the crossroad in Delhi, distinctly recognized as
Kingsway Camp Square. It was very early morning as the population was scant and
there was no eye-straining sunlight. Behind, on the other side of the footpath
was a corner sweets shop (an analogue of a chocolatier in Europe). On the
immediately closer side of the footpath, just behind the jute bedding was a
large five feet tall, plump red-post-box standing on the footpath embankment.
Having laid the jute bag, the next instant found own body lying on it with head
resting towards the pavement and legs pointing to the middle of the road, as it
was watched from few feet away.
Few moments of watching oneself lying
were followed by being inside oneself. After a few, countable moments of being
inside one’s body that was lying on jute bag the people and things of the busy
crossroad of Delhi had disappeared like an extinguished spark. Once inside, it
was felt – ‘usual’ and 'awake', though in a dream.
Some time of habitation in
own ‘dreamt’ body were followed by a sleep that was experienced in that body
(the one on the roadside, in dream). Strangely though, & difficult to
perceive, sleep was actually experienced in a dreamt sleeping body!
Not much sleep had occurred in the
dreamt body lying on a jute bag, when a new dream commenced - a dream of a dream.
As soon as the dream-in-dream started,
there was whiteness - soothingly incandescent white light everywhere. Nothing
else was visible other than ubiquitous warm white light. The duration of being
inside the white light of a dream in a dream is not recollected. The light was
so unknowingly good that bliss got distinguished from happiness, thereafter.
Being in this warm light was highly calming and peaceful. The feeling was
incomparable with anything, before or after. Through the duration of being
there in the warm whiteness for a palpable duration, there was not a sliver of
scare or fright. Awareness of self & the soothing warm light were the only
two things that were felt or known throughout.
Gradually, though enchanted by warm
whiteness, while being completely aware of self; wondered to self aloud in
mind, "Why here, in this state? Is this state permanent or one which can
be exited?” It is important to know that in that whiteness there was no
realization of what ‘getting out’ meant because everything besides self and the
whiteness was oblivion. Hence, a slim feeling of being trapped, without the
scare associated with it. So getting out should essentially be interpreted as
ending the session of being in whiteness, while having no information then,
about what lies out of it.
Immediately, thereafter first trial was
made to get out of the state of being in warm, heavenly, blissful whiteness.
Exit didn’t happen.
While there was no fright at all, while
being inside the whiteness, which remained excellent & positive all
throughout, yet there was a persistent self-realization that the state has to
be exited. Couple of failed attempts to exit, were followed by another thought
- "what if this heavenly warm whiteness is a trap forever?"
It is once again pertinent to mention
that no panic was generated from failed attempts to get out. Ultimately, on 5th
or may be 7th trial, the exit happened. The body lying on jute bag, next to the
pavement on the Road could be seen from a few feet away. There was a relief of
having exited the dream-in-dream. Within next few moments, exit happened from
the first, primary dream as well. Eyes opened wide in an instant (as though the
now-awake state was just a continuation of the semi-conscious experience),
while the back of the body effortless raised itself to sit on the bed in the
next half second, as though sleep had never happened at all. Immediately
thereafter, the wrist was held tightly within the fingers to measure pulse,
while seconds arm on the clock hung on the opposite wall was tracked (because
of frequent panic attacks* expertise had developed at measuring pulse which was
often done to check onslaught of tachycardia). Took the first half minute
reading. The heart beat feebly for only 14 times in the first half minute. Not
believing, next full minute reading was taken. It was ~40. After another 2
minutes it was already ~70+ which is norm. It is probable that in the dream the
pulse rate must have been much below 28 beats a minute, which was recorded few
seconds after getting out of the whiteness and the dream-in-the-dream.
It was only after being awakened to
exceptionally low pulse rate did the first signs of worry & scare happen.
Puzzled, after 5 minutes the pulse rate was measured again, it clocked 80 beats
safely and regularly. Waking up the partner, sleeping next, on the bed seemed
unnecessary.
Next day was spent searching internet
and enough literature was found on such experiences - all clubbed under
"NDE (near death experiences)".
The warm white of no-fear and bliss is
crisp in memory till date.
Did the event change life
principally? Honestly - No, other than two notable changes (which may or may
not be connected with it at all) – (i) panic attacks were cured soon after by
reading about them (there was no magic cure, to be specific) and without any
medical help; (ii) felt as though scare of death was somewhat reduced. Panic
attacks* had impacted so much that dreadful scare while flying had infested the
mind after more than one and a half decade of flying & few hundred
commercial flights across the world till then. Interestingly till panic attacks
started, flying was a thrill & love. Flew even a motorless glider, while taking
piloting lessons in boarding school!
The only other distinct thing -
thankfully, never ever experienced that
bliss again and that …
yes, it is probably warm and white!
*You may not read about panic attacks
(written below) if it doesn’t interest you.
A little about panic attacks for those
who might not know about it. Panic attacks have nothing in common with the
story above. This information is being shared to let others who suffer from it,
and have failed to get a diagnosis, know about it & its cure.
Panic attacks leave people scarred for
life. Reason - it is the closest one can get to symptoms of death, without
actually dying. Tachycardia, extreme heart sink feeling, extreme shortness of
breath, as strong, as though someone is strangling one's neck and body. The
condition can persist for few minutes to half hour or so. Draining one
completely of life.
The condition is a false alarm that is
raised in Amygdala (part of brain) conveying the same to the body & other
parts of brain (hypothalamus & hippocampus) a message of emergency having
had happened to body. The signal leads to release of hormones into blood that
fuel faster heartbeat. When the brain senses emergency, like in case one skids
or stumbling a stair or having pushed to fall; amygdala triggers high-intensity
brain operations (very high brain power utility) thereby requiring
exceptionally large bouts of oxygen (hence the shortness of breath), which can
be delivered only by increasing the blood flow rate to brain. This leads to
tachycardia (faster heart beat) and loss of breath and sometimes heart sink.
When the condition occurs, one is induced into an emergency (though in case of
panic attack, it’s a false alarm), which further fuels a chain reaction.
Once discovered, everything about panic
attacks was read. Few books, articles, literally everything on which hands
could be laid, because the doctors diagnosed nothing but stress and gave
anti-anxiety tabs, which seemed unacceptable as the problem seemed
physiological not psychological.
Then in one blog, something strange
came across - it said, "if you can induce a panic attack yourself – at
your will, you will conquer it". Sitting in a train, while reading the
blog induction of panic attack was tried. Surprisingly in 5-6 trials of applying
an internal pressure by way of exploding chest (as it seemed
to mind!), panic attack was induced. Shocked though, that the attack can be
induced by oneself, the realization genuinely was curing. Once realized that
the condition can be induced, it no more bothered and the chain effect stopped
working. In the last few years they never happened and the problem stands
cured.
